It's no secret to those who know me that I have a crippling fear of death. It's been so bad at times that I have actually had panic attacks about dying. Well, I think I have come up with something that will ease a little of my stress about my impending doom...well at least somewhat.
I have decided that when my time comes, I want to be cremated and I want my ashes to be sprinkled around the Two-Buck Chuck at my neighborhood Trader Joe's. If cremation isn't an option I'll settle with being buried underneath the floor, underneath the Two-Buck Chuck.
If my last wishes are not fulfilled I will come back and haunt each one of your asses...I'm not freaking kidding.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I never thought it would still hurt so much
Two years ago today official marks the worst day of my life, the day my mother in law lost her battle with cancer.
Ann was more than a mother in law to me, she was actually like a second mother. We were so close, closer than I'd ever thought I'd be with my MIL. I even worked for her for three years!
When I was 4 months pregnant with Dylan we found out that she had colon cancer. In the beginning we didn't know how bad it was, so our hopes were still high. The day after her diagnosis we found out it was at least stage 2 (which meant it had spread outside her colon, but not to her lymph nodes yet). The next day however we got news that would shatter out lives forever.
The cancer had spread to her liver, which meant stage 4. She went in for surgery right away to remove what tumors they could and to get an idea of exactly how bad it was. The spots on her liver were smaller than they had originally thought, but they were to deep to remove. They told us though they could shrink the spots with chemo.
I just remember thinking, this can't be happening. I'm pregnant with my first child, Ann's first grand baby. She's only 48 years old, she can't have cancer! The treatments helped and didn't help. It seemed like every time she'd have a scan that said the tumors were shrinking or there wasn't any growth, the next scan would show growth.
The day Dylan was born such a bitter sweet day. I remember looking at Ann holding Dylan and thinking, there's no way she's going to die. Dylan needs her, we all need her. Our family wouldn't be the same without her.
That same morning; September 14, 2004, she had a doctors appointment to discuss her progress. She called Bryan after the appointment and told him horrible news. If the tumors didn't start shrinking more she'd be dead within 6 months to 1 year. I went from being elated at the birth of my daughter, to heart broken and then to angry. I was so angry with her for telling us this on the day our daughter was born. I thought that Bryan would not see this day as a happy one anymore.
So the days, weeks and months went by. As the treatments became more and more aggressive her hair began to fall out, she lost tons of weight and she just didn't have the energy she once did. In the beginning of June 2005 we'd got the news we never thought we'd actually hear.
After a visit with her oncologist, Ann was told she only had 2 weeks to a month left. We were all so devastated. Everyone left work; Bryan, his 2 brothers, his sister and me. We all converged at the house that had always been so full of laughter and love. We couldn't believe what was happening. Right after the final diagnosis family started flying out from all over so they could say their goodbyes. Ann seemed to get better after a few days she was even eating again! It didn't last long however.
Bryan's step dad called on Sunday the 19th (which was actually Father's Day that year) and said we should come over and say goodbye. I remember thinking, how am I supposed to say goodbye? My husband went upstairs first and when he came back down I could see the tears. This was bad, if Bryan's crying, it's bad.
I went upstairs and laid on the bed next to her. She never opened her eyes but she knew I was there. I didn't know how even begin to say goodbye, all I could think about was all the people she was leaving behind. Finally I said my goodbyes and kissed her on the head. That would be the last time I would see her alive.
Early in the morning on June 20, 2005 Ann passed away. Bryan went over to the house, but I stayed behind with Dylan. I just snuggled up with her in bed crying, thinking about how unfair life/God can be. As I started drifting off to sleep something incredible happened. I was laying on my side and I felt pressure on my eyebrow and it moved a little. It's hard to explain, but I know that it was Ann coming to kiss me goodbye.
I've never been a very religious person, but I am spiritual. I believe in God and Jesus and I hope that there is something more for us when we die. But having Ann come and say goodbye to me gave me such a sense of peace that, to this day I still can't explain.
I thought after two years it wouldn't hurt as much, but it does. Does the hurt ever go away? I see Dylan & Justin and think of all that she's missing out on. She's not just missing out on her grand kids, she has three other children besides Bryan. She'll never see them get married, have kids of there own and all the other milestones of their life.
I love you and miss you so much Ann, we all do.
Ann was more than a mother in law to me, she was actually like a second mother. We were so close, closer than I'd ever thought I'd be with my MIL. I even worked for her for three years!
When I was 4 months pregnant with Dylan we found out that she had colon cancer. In the beginning we didn't know how bad it was, so our hopes were still high. The day after her diagnosis we found out it was at least stage 2 (which meant it had spread outside her colon, but not to her lymph nodes yet). The next day however we got news that would shatter out lives forever.
The cancer had spread to her liver, which meant stage 4. She went in for surgery right away to remove what tumors they could and to get an idea of exactly how bad it was. The spots on her liver were smaller than they had originally thought, but they were to deep to remove. They told us though they could shrink the spots with chemo.
I just remember thinking, this can't be happening. I'm pregnant with my first child, Ann's first grand baby. She's only 48 years old, she can't have cancer! The treatments helped and didn't help. It seemed like every time she'd have a scan that said the tumors were shrinking or there wasn't any growth, the next scan would show growth.
The day Dylan was born such a bitter sweet day. I remember looking at Ann holding Dylan and thinking, there's no way she's going to die. Dylan needs her, we all need her. Our family wouldn't be the same without her.
That same morning; September 14, 2004, she had a doctors appointment to discuss her progress. She called Bryan after the appointment and told him horrible news. If the tumors didn't start shrinking more she'd be dead within 6 months to 1 year. I went from being elated at the birth of my daughter, to heart broken and then to angry. I was so angry with her for telling us this on the day our daughter was born. I thought that Bryan would not see this day as a happy one anymore.
So the days, weeks and months went by. As the treatments became more and more aggressive her hair began to fall out, she lost tons of weight and she just didn't have the energy she once did. In the beginning of June 2005 we'd got the news we never thought we'd actually hear.
After a visit with her oncologist, Ann was told she only had 2 weeks to a month left. We were all so devastated. Everyone left work; Bryan, his 2 brothers, his sister and me. We all converged at the house that had always been so full of laughter and love. We couldn't believe what was happening. Right after the final diagnosis family started flying out from all over so they could say their goodbyes. Ann seemed to get better after a few days she was even eating again! It didn't last long however.
Bryan's step dad called on Sunday the 19th (which was actually Father's Day that year) and said we should come over and say goodbye. I remember thinking, how am I supposed to say goodbye? My husband went upstairs first and when he came back down I could see the tears. This was bad, if Bryan's crying, it's bad.
I went upstairs and laid on the bed next to her. She never opened her eyes but she knew I was there. I didn't know how even begin to say goodbye, all I could think about was all the people she was leaving behind. Finally I said my goodbyes and kissed her on the head. That would be the last time I would see her alive.
Early in the morning on June 20, 2005 Ann passed away. Bryan went over to the house, but I stayed behind with Dylan. I just snuggled up with her in bed crying, thinking about how unfair life/God can be. As I started drifting off to sleep something incredible happened. I was laying on my side and I felt pressure on my eyebrow and it moved a little. It's hard to explain, but I know that it was Ann coming to kiss me goodbye.
I've never been a very religious person, but I am spiritual. I believe in God and Jesus and I hope that there is something more for us when we die. But having Ann come and say goodbye to me gave me such a sense of peace that, to this day I still can't explain.
I thought after two years it wouldn't hurt as much, but it does. Does the hurt ever go away? I see Dylan & Justin and think of all that she's missing out on. She's not just missing out on her grand kids, she has three other children besides Bryan. She'll never see them get married, have kids of there own and all the other milestones of their life.
I love you and miss you so much Ann, we all do.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
In Loving Memory of Genevieve Aston Huguenin
On Saturday, May 19, 2007 the world lost a beautiful person; Geni Aston Hugeunin.
http://obit.baue.com/obit_display.cgi?id=421341&listing=Current
I met Geni in 1999 when my uncle and her mom began dating. I loved her instantly she was so bubbly, happy and just beautiful person inside and out. When I was getting married I asked her to be one of my brides maids. She was surprised and told me "But I'm not really your cousin." I told her that was ridiculous: "Just because we are not related by blood doesn't mean you're not my family. You are my cousin in every sense of the word." My uncle and her mom got divorced before I got married so Geni told me that she felt she shouldn't be in the wedding because she didn't want it to be awkward. I tried to talk her into staying because she was still family to me and she would always be my cousin no matter what happened. She still felt it best to not be in the wedding.
When I learned on Sunday of her tragic death I was shocked and I still am. I just can't believe she's gone. We haven't talked for years, but for some reason on Saturday I started recalling times we spent together: horseback riding, the Del Mar Fair, the jokes and laughter we shared. It was almost as if my heart knew.
I love and will miss you so much Geni. So many people will miss your beautiful spirit. I will take comfort in knowing that the sky will be brighter tonight and every night because your star is shining so brightly.
http://obit.baue.com/obit_display.cgi?id=421341&listing=Current
I met Geni in 1999 when my uncle and her mom began dating. I loved her instantly she was so bubbly, happy and just beautiful person inside and out. When I was getting married I asked her to be one of my brides maids. She was surprised and told me "But I'm not really your cousin." I told her that was ridiculous: "Just because we are not related by blood doesn't mean you're not my family. You are my cousin in every sense of the word." My uncle and her mom got divorced before I got married so Geni told me that she felt she shouldn't be in the wedding because she didn't want it to be awkward. I tried to talk her into staying because she was still family to me and she would always be my cousin no matter what happened. She still felt it best to not be in the wedding.
When I learned on Sunday of her tragic death I was shocked and I still am. I just can't believe she's gone. We haven't talked for years, but for some reason on Saturday I started recalling times we spent together: horseback riding, the Del Mar Fair, the jokes and laughter we shared. It was almost as if my heart knew.
I love and will miss you so much Geni. So many people will miss your beautiful spirit. I will take comfort in knowing that the sky will be brighter tonight and every night because your star is shining so brightly.
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