Sunday, June 22, 2008

How could I forget?

Three years ago this past Friday was the day my mother in law passed away. I let the entire day pass and I didn't even realize what day it was.

That night we had Bryan's cousin and her husband over for dinner and some Friday night drinking. Bryan was telling us about a conversation he'd had with his Aunt that day, and this is how he told us the conversation went:

R: "Hi Bryan, it's Aunt 'R', how are you doing today?"
B: "Ummm, okay I guess."
R: "Yeah, today is a really hard day for all of us."

It was at that point it dawned on him what day "today" was. Then we all talked for a few minutes about how long it had been (3 years now) and how much it sucked and that was the end of it.

However it wasn't the end for me. I've been mentally beating myself up about it all weekend. Yes, Bryan forgot too, but he has a shit memory. I have a mind like a steal trap, I never forget anything. So how could I forget this? The "anniversary" of the worst day of my life (so far) and I forgot. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think about her. I think of all the things she's missing with her grandchildren. I work in the same school now that I used to work with her. I walk in every day and wish how it was her at the front desk greeting me instead of the director who works there now.

Last year I wrote about how much it still hurt to not have her around, and this year I didn't even shed a tear for her on the anniversary of her death. Does this make me a cold hearted person? Does this mean I'm officially "over" her death? Or am I just so self absorbed with my own stupid problems that I let this day slip my mind?

Whatever the case may be, Ann I love you and miss you so much. There isn't a day that passes that I don't wish you were here with us. I hear people complaining daily about how they can't stand their in laws, and I wish so much that I could complain about you bugging me. How I wish you could of met Justin. He is EXACTLY like Bryan, from his adorable face all the way down to his temper. And you wouldn't believe what a beautiful little girl Dylan has turned into. Ann, please know how much I miss and love you...I always will.


Kate said...

Aww, Jenni. This was so beautiful. Its okay that you "forgot" a day because you haven't forgotten about her. She sounds like a wonderful lady and I can tell just how much you loved her...and how much you miss her.

Alicia said...

I always remember birthdays and anniversaries, but I never remember the day someone died. My mind simply loses the date.

I think Kate said it exactly right; you haven't forgotten about HER.

HomeSlice said...

what a wonderful tribute, and how fortunate you were to have someone like her in your life. she sounded fabulous.

Sara said...

I never remember dates, and in this case, it's ok you forgot. Sometimes our brains have a mechanism for shutting off things that are too painful. Doesn't mean you loved her any less. How much you miss her comes through no matter what.

Destiny said...

I know I am a little late but I still want to comment. You are certainly not "officially over" the loss of your MIL. Just because the date slipped from the front of your thoughts does not mean you have forgotten her. I have done a lot of work in the grief community and one of the healthiest things we see is when people stop counting how long someone has been gone and starts remembering how they lived. Living your life well is a great tribute to the woman you love. She would be proud of you.