Monday, January 31, 2011

The Demon Spawn Strike Again.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Shit, now I'm that mom!" Well, I have way too many times to count. Tonight I won't be surprised if I end up staring at myself on the 5 o'clock news, with a look of murderous intent in my eyes. What happened you ask? Oh, come and sit a spell won't you? You're going to freaking love it.

I decided after I picked Dylan up from school today that I would take the kids to the library. A terrible idea from inception, but it was something I had to risk. The whole time in library was a goddamn nightmare. My kids couldn't use an indoor voice if their lives depended on it. All I wanted was one book, one stupid freaking book! They couldn't even let me have five minutes to enjoy my personal nerd heaven. They were rolling around on the floor, jumping up and down like damn rabbits, giggling like freaking psychopaths and racing down the aisles (I was tempted to clothesline one of them but though that might be a bit excessive).

On top of this moronic behavior, my library sucks. This is the millionth time I've been there and can't find even one book by an author that I like. Of course today's visit wasn't any different. I went with the titles of five books that I really wanted, figuring at least one of them would be there. Oh what a fool I am. Why would a thing called a Library actually be filled with books that I'm interested in?

The icing on the cake for today however, was when I went to do self check-out I noticed I had a fine. So now I had to go stand in line, try and corral these two circus clowns, and argue over a dumb ass library fine. They had progressively gotten louder and louder and louder during this time. Every time I tried to talk to them about their behavior they would just erupt in more fits of laughter. I tried standing between them, wouldn't work. It's like they know being in public is their safety zone to act like crazies and they can get away with it.

So, I'm trying to argue with this girl about my $1.65 library fine (I turned those stupid ass books in on time, it's not my fault some dumb shit forgot to check the outside return area before he went home to play World of Warcraft). At this point I can feel the eyeballs of the judgmental person waiting behind me, boring into the back of my skull. I can almost hear her thoughts:

"God, can't this woman control her kids? This is a library for heaven's sake! If she doesn't know how to deal with kids she should never of had them."

Justin will not stay away from Dylan and Dylan keeps trying to get him to run over to her. I can't get these kids under control for anything. In a moment of sheer desperation I corner him against the counter with my leg, bend down and angrily whisper in his ear, "I swear to god Justin if you don't stop it you are going to get the biggest spanking of your life when we get home."

In response, he picks his head up and says in a sing-song voice, "What's the biggest spanking of my life?"

I think it was at that point I said, "I'll just pay the stupid fine," and tried to keep from screaming like a maniac at the top of my lungs. Justin managed to wiggle free, but I pinned him again and he continued to laugh. Little nerdette took forever to scan my books, because I know she (like my kids) was enjoying watching my sanity unravel right before her very eyes. I angrily snatched my books off the counter and stormed out of the library with my kids hot on my heels in hysterical fits of laughter.

Dylan & Justin: 8,000
Public Library: 1
Mommy: 0

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I am really quick to bitch and moan about shitty things going on in my life. I don't usually take time to share things that happen that make my heart swell with pride. I've decided I'm going to start doing the latter more often. Even though my kids do about a billion things daily that drive me insane, they also do things that amaze me (not nearly as often however).

Last week Dylan shared the most heart wrenching thing with me at dinner.

Dylan: "Mommy, did you know that K's mommy got really sick and that was how she died?"
Me: "Did she die when she was a baby?"
D: "No mommy, she died when K is as old as she is now, 6. Well we had to make wishes today at school, you know cause we have been learning about Martin Luther King. Well, you know what my wish was mommy?
Me: "No Dylan, what was your wish?"
D: "I wished that K's mommy was still alive."

Completely blown away. The amount of compassion she showed was beyond her years.

Then of course five minutes later she began screaming and chasing her brother around the house like a lunatic.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Life is Good. So Damn Good!

I just recently started up my blog again (yeah me) after a year plus long hiatus. So I was thrilled when I read my friend Alicia's blog and saw that she bestowed a lovely blogging award my way (insert overly dramatic stage bow here).

I must now complete three tasks:

1. Thank you so much Alicia! WOOT, WOOT!
2. Answer some questions about moi (and boy do I love to talk about myself).
3. Pass it on (I'll do what I can).

Away we go:

Q1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously so that you could be anonymous now?
There are times that I wish I was anonymous. You know the times when I would just love to go on a long rant about certain dumb ass people in my life, but I'm happy to be blogging out in the open.

Q2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.
Pretty much my day-to-day life is an example of how stubborn I am. I can't come up with one specific example and I refuse to.

Q3. What do you really see when you look at yourself in the mirror?
Giant dark circles that no amount of makeup can conceal.

Q4. What is your favorite summer cold drink?
Do you even have to ask? White wine of course! Although recently I have expanded my palate and have discovered I actually enjoy beer. So I think I'll be dabbling in beer a little more often.

Q5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
Time for myself, what the hell is that?

Q6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life?
I would like to survive this life with my sanity still intact. If that happens then I think that will be a damn good accomplishment.

Q7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching
Oh, I was the shy nerd for sure.

Q8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
I would have to say when my mother-in-law passed away. I still miss her so much and think about her often. I get really pissed off when I think of all the things she's missed out on. Watching Dylan and Justin and all her other future grandchildren grow up. Michael & Julie's wedding (and now they are going to be parents). Amanda working her butt off and putting herself through college and growing into such a beautiful woman. Chris moving across country and not being afraid to try life on his own. For a 21 year old "kid" he's also the most loving uncle (I totally mean that in a non-creppy way Chris). Bryan being an amazing husband and the best father I could of ever asked for. I know she would be so proud to see what amazing people her kids turned out to be.

Q9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people or events?

I enjoy sharing about myself, it's very therapeutic.

Q10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

Reading hands down. I hate talking on the phone. If it wasn't for text messaging I probably would never talk to anybody.

Passing the torch:

Cathy at Two Monkeys

Everybody else I stalk was already tagged. Guess that's what happens when you're late to the party.

Monday, January 17, 2011

When I Pass

It's no secret to those who know me that I have a crippling fear of death. It's been so bad at times that I have actually had panic attacks about dying. Well, I think I have come up with something that will ease a little of my stress about my impending doom...well at least somewhat.

I have decided that when my time comes, I want to be cremated and I want my ashes to be sprinkled around the Two-Buck Chuck at my neighborhood Trader Joe's. If cremation isn't an option I'll settle with being buried underneath the floor, underneath the Two-Buck Chuck.

If my last wishes are not fulfilled I will come back and haunt each one of your asses...I'm not freaking kidding.

Monday, January 10, 2011

New Year, New Blog

So I seem to of taken a really, really long hiatus from my blog. Maybe that's because twenty-ten sucked such severe ass that I just want to forget it entirely.
For whatever reason I retreated deep within myself last year.
Writing has always meant so much to me. It's an escape, a great way to vent my frustrations and overall it's just a great distraction from the monotony of everyday life. So, out with the suck fest that was 2010! Here's to 2011 (yeah, yeah so I'm a week and a half late...bite me)!
With the New Year come the resolutions that I will fail miserably at keeping. So here we go, (in no particular order) here are my resolutions for 2011:

1) Keeping my blogs up to date. This blog as well as my photo blog.
2) Develop more patience with my kids. In return for my increase in patience my children will tone down their obnoxiousness.
3) When somebody pisses me off, let them know it.
4) Work out more (insert eye-roll here because I'm so freaking original).
5) Watch more independent films. Challenge the old noodle.
6) Laugh at myself more when I make a complete ass of myself. This pretty much happens on a daily basis.
7)Tell at least one person to fuck off (see number 3). I don't know who, but I think it would be so liberating to just scream that in somebody's face.
8) I want to be on a reality show. I figure those douchebags on Jersey Shore can make a living on TV and actually get paid for it, why the hell can't I?
9) Wear something that is completely out of my comfort zone.
10) Live my life and be happy with the life I have.

Happy 2011 and happy reading!