Monday, October 24, 2011

Happy Monday

6:00am this morning I hear blood curdling screams coming from outside. After watching The Walking Dead last night, that is not exactly a good wake up call. I jumped up thinking the zombie apocalypse was upon us. I go over to the window, take a look outside, fingers crossed I don't see zombies stumbling up and down the street. Instead of zombies I see lights blazing like the 4th of July in the house across the street. The screams were coming from their precious children as the chased each other around the house trying to beat each other to a pulp (I'm just guessing). I then hear more screams, this time from the mother "you two knock that shit off!" Way to go lady, next time your devil children are going to raise hell before the sun comes up you might want to make sure your windows are closed first. Mental note, no play dates with that family.

Although, I have to thank them for the early morning shenanigans, this now means my family is not the most obnoxious one on the block, for that I thank them.

While the human folk in our house may have been spared the "Most Obnoxious Award," my dog clearly has won that title hands down. Yesterday afternoon Dexter was barking once again, and I stuck my head out the door to get him to shut up. Justin came running up to me and said, "those kids who went by on their bikes just said 'stop barking Dexter!' It was so funny mommy, how do they know Dexter's name?"

Well Justin that is because Dexter doesn't have a brain in his head and I probably yell at him close to 5 billion times a day to stop barking. I don't know, just a thought.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

From Football Insults to Rogue Tampons.

I completely thought that not working I'd be more on top of my blog. Turns out I like procrastinating blogging as well, who knew? I have at least 5 posts backlogged in my brain, ready for writing, but that's where they seem content to stay. Collecting dust in my brain (with so many other great ideas of mine). Here are some of my favorite the most memorable moments from this week:

*While watching Monday Night Football I started yelling obscenities at Jay Cutler (a common occurrence anytime football is on). Justin then decided he was going to join in, "Yeah! Go home and color a picture for your mommy!" He came back up to me a minute or two later and said he had a better one, "Go ribbon dance for your mother!" At that point Dylan decided she was going to throw her insults out on the table as well, "Go home and put your pantyhose and makeup on like your mother!" They are now invited to every football party/game/event for the rest of eternity.

*That same night, not long after the football insult party, the kids scurried off to the backyard to bother the neighbors for awhile. Soon after I found myself sticking my head out of the back door yelling and the dogs and my kids to stop barking! "But mom, we're dogs like Dexter and Chloe!" Really?!

*A/C broke two weekends ago. Hubby said not to worry because at least it was October and we wouldn't need it anymore. Yeah, okay. Tell that to the lovely SoCal hot ass October weather. 100+ degrees yesterday and today. Hello Mother Nature, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Fall. These temperatures are not acceptable for October! Thank you!

*Topping off the excitement for the week happened this morning. After checking out at the grocery store today, I reached into my purse to grab my sunglasses. Somehow a tampon had twisted itself around and wedged itself in my sunglasses. The best part was I stared at the damned thing for about 30 seconds first before I could figure out what the hell was stuck in my sunglasses. The cashier looked at me with disgust. You would think I had a head full of tampons.

Cheers to the excitement of the week. Son of a bitch, it's too damn hot to drink wine. Guess I'll have to stick to water...for now ;)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Week One

Last week was my first week in my new job, stay at home mom! A phrase that strikes fear into my heart. I'm going to be around them all day long! Well, except for those four glorious hours while Justin is at school, I'm with them all day after that.

The reason the phrase SHAM paralyzes me with fear is because I feel I'm not cut our for it, I can't live up to the title. Here are examples from the last week that support my hypothesis:

* Day one: Justin tumbles down the stairs outside (from three stairs up) scratching up his face, side, elbow and knee.

* Day two: I make myself the black sheep of the SHAM kindergarten mom club by calling out another kid. He was spinning around like a total moron and slammed into Justin. Justin apologized to him and I piped in, "Don't you dare apologize, you did nothing wrong. You're following the rules." Insert evil SHAM glares here.

*Day three: My son dropping his first F-bomb and me trying to hold a straight face while I scold him and tell him that is the ultimate of all "grown-up words" and he's never allowed to say it again.

*Day four: Barely holding my composure when my favorite wine glass is shattered.

*Day five: Cursing the neighborhood kid who showed up at my door at 8:30 am requesting a ride because his mom is too liquored up on Vodka. Then having to pick up said kid from school while both parents are clearly home probably too busy with an afternoon freak session to pick up their own kid from school. Sure I don't mind, I'll just get the word TAXI tattooed on my damned forehead!

I guess looking back on it, it wasn't too bad of a week. It could be worse, I could be working. And hey, nobody least not yet!