Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Big Fat Liar

That's me alright. The other day I was waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store and I noticed the lady in front of me was working up a sweat while getting her groceries onto the counter. She had a toddler in the cart and a baby in the carrier at her chest. I was totally fixated on her, couldn't take my eyes away. I started at her, all the while secretly enjoying the fact that since my kids are now in school I can shop without them.

It is so glorious to walk through the aisles of my supermarket without having to yell at somebody to stop touching things, to stop whining and "No! For the millionth time you can't have that! You don't get anything!"

She caught me looking at her and I felt bad, for a split second. Then I started grinning like an idiot again while thinking of my blissful childless shopping. She looked back at me once again with a look of total defeat on her face, so I decided to snap out of my fantasy and talk to her.

Me: "How far apart are they?"
Other Mom: "A little over two years. Do you have any kids?"
Me: "Oh yeah. Mine are 23 months apart."
OM: "Please tell me it gets easier."

She looked completely lost, exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. She had the smallest little glimmer of hope in her eye, I couldn't extinguish it. So I bit my tongue and tried to hide the sarcasm in my voice, "Oh yeah, it sure does get so much better."

The cashier, clearly a motherhood combat vet as well, looked at me like I was nuts (which of course I am). She knew I was lying to this poor woman. I looked back at the cashier and shrugged my shoulders. Come on lady! Was I really supposed to tell her all the thoughts that were fighting to escape my mouth:

- Yeah it gets easier as they get older. That is until they join forces, form the ultimate kid alliance and start voting you out of the family (just ask Bryan how many times he has been voted out of the family).

- You'll never again get a moment to yourself in the bathroom. You aren't even going to be able to pee without somebody screaming outside of the door wanting to know what you're doing in there.

- You're going to develop a serious wine habit, or as I like to call it a new found appreciation for wine. You'll become well known in the wine aisle next to your good friend "Two-Buck Chuck."

- You may as well quit cleaning now. No matter how much you clean, your house is always going to look like a fucking category 4 hurricane went through it.

- For some unknown scientific reason, the second you reverse out of your driveway something is triggered in your kids. This phenomenon causes them to start yelling and fighting with each other. The main argument is going to go something like this: "Stop looking at me, stop looking out my side! MOMMY he/she touched me!"

- The fights that start out in the car will spill out to your final destination; Target, IKEA or the library. These are just some of my kids favorite places to embarrass the hell out of me.

If any of those thoughts would of escaped my mouth, she would of run from the store screaming like a maniac, never looking back. Instead she smiled at me as she walked away, a little more hopeful. I smiled back and muttered "good luck" under my breath.


Michelle DeMarco said...

HYSTERICAL!!! OMG I can SO relate. I think we were separated at birth! Keep up the great work!

Alicia said...

I LOVED this entry, Jenni.

It's the perfect birth control. I'm never having another!