Monday, January 31, 2011

The Demon Spawn Strike Again.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Shit, now I'm that mom!" Well, I have way too many times to count. Tonight I won't be surprised if I end up staring at myself on the 5 o'clock news, with a look of murderous intent in my eyes. What happened you ask? Oh, come and sit a spell won't you? You're going to freaking love it.

I decided after I picked Dylan up from school today that I would take the kids to the library. A terrible idea from inception, but it was something I had to risk. The whole time in library was a goddamn nightmare. My kids couldn't use an indoor voice if their lives depended on it. All I wanted was one book, one stupid freaking book! They couldn't even let me have five minutes to enjoy my personal nerd heaven. They were rolling around on the floor, jumping up and down like damn rabbits, giggling like freaking psychopaths and racing down the aisles (I was tempted to clothesline one of them but though that might be a bit excessive).

On top of this moronic behavior, my library sucks. This is the millionth time I've been there and can't find even one book by an author that I like. Of course today's visit wasn't any different. I went with the titles of five books that I really wanted, figuring at least one of them would be there. Oh what a fool I am. Why would a thing called a Library actually be filled with books that I'm interested in?

The icing on the cake for today however, was when I went to do self check-out I noticed I had a fine. So now I had to go stand in line, try and corral these two circus clowns, and argue over a dumb ass library fine. They had progressively gotten louder and louder and louder during this time. Every time I tried to talk to them about their behavior they would just erupt in more fits of laughter. I tried standing between them, wouldn't work. It's like they know being in public is their safety zone to act like crazies and they can get away with it.

So, I'm trying to argue with this girl about my $1.65 library fine (I turned those stupid ass books in on time, it's not my fault some dumb shit forgot to check the outside return area before he went home to play World of Warcraft). At this point I can feel the eyeballs of the judgmental person waiting behind me, boring into the back of my skull. I can almost hear her thoughts:

"God, can't this woman control her kids? This is a library for heaven's sake! If she doesn't know how to deal with kids she should never of had them."

Justin will not stay away from Dylan and Dylan keeps trying to get him to run over to her. I can't get these kids under control for anything. In a moment of sheer desperation I corner him against the counter with my leg, bend down and angrily whisper in his ear, "I swear to god Justin if you don't stop it you are going to get the biggest spanking of your life when we get home."

In response, he picks his head up and says in a sing-song voice, "What's the biggest spanking of my life?"

I think it was at that point I said, "I'll just pay the stupid fine," and tried to keep from screaming like a maniac at the top of my lungs. Justin managed to wiggle free, but I pinned him again and he continued to laugh. Little nerdette took forever to scan my books, because I know she (like my kids) was enjoying watching my sanity unravel right before her very eyes. I angrily snatched my books off the counter and stormed out of the library with my kids hot on my heels in hysterical fits of laughter.

Dylan & Justin: 8,000
Public Library: 1
Mommy: 0


Jess said...

Oh, how I can relate. We've doing the Open House tour of STL and my kids have gotten progressively worse at each open. I am constantly saying "Don't touch that!", "that's not yours" and "Hey, people live here, this isn't your stuff!!!"

All this with the watchful realtor looking at me like I need to strap my kids to the roof of the car before entering their open house. Yep, I know exactly where you are coming from!

Alicia said...

You've heard my library stories, right? The second to last time we were there, Ellie knocked my glasses off of my face, hit me, and nearly sent the librarians computer monitor flying after kicking it. I carried her from the second floor all the way to the car in the back parking lot, all the while her yelling and me crying. When we got to the car, she thought I had been laughing the whole time. When she realized I was crying, she started crying too.

The library makes children completely insane. It doesn't happen anywhere else. That's my theory.